Sam's Thoughts, Dean's Gaze
by Midnight.Sylvia
Summary: Sam's thoughts over the years and how they inevitable turn to Dean. Includes Wincest, Sam/Jessica, Sam/Ruby, Dean/Anna, Dean/Castiel, Dean/OC.
1. Chapter 1

Another needless disclaimer brought to you: I don't own Supernatural, nor am I in any way associated with it. Thank goodness for you! If you can't tell that from the writing alone, you may need help. Also if I did I'd still be walking around stunned muttering the names of four cast members.

Warning: First off this has some one sided Dean/Sam thoughts, on Sam's behalf. Also, this has some swearing and some insertion of a character suggesting violence towards another character that never makes an appearance. Since I'm not particular good with the use and writing of either, it might come of badly or plain horrible. Crossing my fingers that it turns out well.

A/N: This is going to be a set of Sam's thoughts as they inevitably turn to Dean. Later chapters will include Sam/Jessica, Sam/Ruby and Dean/Castiel also Bobby. I should point out that the bolded text in this chapter are quotes taken from the episode "After School Special" – Season 4, Episode 14 ... I've got the DVD cover in front of me.

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Sam Winchester once again found himself in an alone in cheap motel. Cursing his father for moving around the countryside, dragging him out from another school and placing him in another, he moves to study the text book in front of him. The textbook in front of him is unable to reduce he's anxieties like it usually does, and the tension in his muscles refuses to be pushed aside. Rubbing the side of his face, he thought about the fight he was in early today. Sighing, he was annoyed that there always seemed to be a student at any school that knew he wasn't normal. And that's all he wanted. All he wanted to do was be a regular teenage, with regular problems. He didn't want to have to face down demons with the rest of the family with revenge in heart, changing from place to place and never having a home.

His father is god-knows where, chasing whatever demon he had come upon the scent of. He had left a few days with a hand casually waving in the air when Dean had offered assistance, and a muttered reply along the lines of, "Look after your brother boy." While Dean, was in town with an attractive brunette … blonde … redhead … whatever female he had managed to charm with his smooth smile and cheeky attitude.

The sounds from an approaching car snapped Sam out of his thoughts. From this distance he already knew it was Dean approaching, the erratic driving style couldn't belong to anyone other than him. Pushing himself away from the desk he walked slowly over to the window, the flimsy material providing some protection against him being seen. He watched the unknown car drive into the car park with ease. Quickly he stepped into the heavier material to avoid being seen, paranoia running through his mind, he did not want to be caught spying on his brother.

With eyes closed, he breathed deeply as he focused his attention on the noises coming from outside. He heard the sound of two doors open and shut, and then the casual stroll of his brother in his heavy boots as he made his way to the other side of the car. After that no other noises were heard except that of the nocturnal animals. Opening his eyes, he returned to his previous spot at the window, glad that the car had been parked at an angle otherwise he would have clearly been seen leering at the view outside.

His brother was engulfing the figure of a small blonde female, busily making-out in the open air. The only parts visible of her to Sam being her hair, the arms wrapped around Dean's muscular shoulders and her hands entangled in his hair. After a while though, he saw a shapely pale leg moved to wrap around his trousered leg and from there is was able to make out the sight of a short cheerleaders skirt. Warmth filled his face, and spread throughout his entire body and skin began to feel overtly sensitised, as his gaze fell not on the cheerleader, but the solid form of his brother. Through hooded eyes, he felt the associating guilt that always accompanied this feeling, though it never seemed to diminish it. Dean always seemed to project a certain amount of lure.

He continued to watch as the cheerleader's hands roamed over Dean's chest, which he were now visible to see as Dean brought them both leaning against the side of the car. He was pulled to awareness from his lusty thoughts as he saw Dean raise his gaze to his direction, giving him a small smile and the thumbs up behind her back. Rolling his eye at Dean's antics, he was annoyed that his brother knew him that well though was thankfully that he hadn't caught on to the thoughts that Sam had about him.

Dean suddenly pulled back from the female in front of him, though still keeping hold of her with an arm on each shoulder. Beginning to talk for what Sam saw for the first time this evening, he watched as a pout formed on her lips, clearly disappointed by what was so casually saying being said by Dean. Giving her another passionate kiss before walking off, the night clearly over for the both of them. He never did turn around though to look at the female who had been engaging most of his night. Which clearly annoyed her as she angrily huffed and got back into the car before speeding off into the night.

Watching Dean approach the motel room's door, Sam took giant steps back over to the desk and tried to make himself appear as if had been studying all this time. Hunching over the desk he trained his expression into that of 'bookworm' mode as Dean annoyingly referred to it as and began looking over at the notes he had been making before the interruption. He hadn't been settled for a more than a few seconds before the door behind him swung open and banged loudly as Dean stepped into the small room.

"Hey kiddo" Dean greeted happily, the smell of alcohol apparent even from the distance of the doorway.

"Dean", Sam returned the greeting, before wrinkling his nose up, "you smell like a brewery"

"Well when in Rome" Dean replied as he threw himself to the bed, watching his little brother hunched over figure at the desk.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Sam asked.

"So little Sammy's upset cause I got home late. Aren't you just a cute little homing boy" Dean chuckled. "Gonna start nagging me more" he quipped.

Annoyed at Dean's words, Sam gave no response; instead choosing to fold his arms in front of him and pouted. He felt the questioning gaze of his brother burn holes into his back from where he was lying down fiddling with his amulet but still didn't give in. He felt a burst of triumph as he heard Dean groan, stand up and make his way over to him. Tension still lay in his muscles but that was jolting interrupted when he felt Dean's warm hand start to play in his hair before giving it a good mess up.

"Your just too neat sometimes", Dean muttered into Sam's hair, "So, kiddo, what have you been doing?"

"You know just homework. Trying to get an education," he replied.

"Yeah, so you can go off and live … what was it? A normal life" he intoned, "So, that's all you've been doing?" he continued.

"Yes, until someone came barging into the room" Sam huffed.

"Wow, ain't that something" Dean replied in wonder, as he hunched down to Sam's height. "You've been studying all this time, with your book upside down and here I had trouble doing the work when it was the right way around" he chuckled into Sam's ear causing Sam to slightly shudder.

Turning bright red with embarrassment, he turned around and for the first time that evening his brother saw his face. The swollen cheek and the spilt lip from a boy who had wanted to get into a fight with him today at school. He had naturally put an end to the fight quite easily but not before the other boy had thrown in a few licks having taken him by surprise. Rolling his eyes at his brother's sharp intake of breath he hoped to be able to calm him down before he worked himself into a rage.

"What the hell happened to you", Dean asked raising his hand to Sam's injured face, his rage fixed already in his darkened eyes.

"I was in a fight with a kid a school" Sam replied grudgingly, still annoyed at the violence that surrounded his life, and his failed plan of halting Deanzilla.

Sam watched as Dean pushed himself up from his seated height and began pacing around the room. He was running his hands through his hair, and the intense look on his face told Sam that he was coming up with ways to hurt the person who dared lay a hand on his little brother.

"So who was the little fucker who did this to you?" he angrily grounded out, coming to a halt in front of Sam. "I swear to God, I'm going to beat the ever living crap out of them. Moronic bastards. The kid's dead!" he concluded.

"I dealt with it Dean. I'm fine, and it's over. It wasn't a big deal" he huffed back.

"Can you cut the bullshit already?! It looks like someone used your face to close a door. If Dad was here … if something like this happened to you on a hunt-"

"Well, he's not. And it didn't happen on one of those. It was just a normal, regular fight with a normal kid. I'm fine" Sam interrupted evenly.

" Well I'm not. I'm not a freakin' robot! Soon as I'm finished with that bastard, head rollin' and all … and when did lying back and getting bet up become the normal thing to do."

"I dealt with it Dean, he won't be bothering me again" Sam informed him, he tone warming up with the first hint of anger.

His pretence of how he spent the recent part of the evening had already been scattered, so he hoped returning to that topic would get Dean's mind of the fight. Crossing his fingers, he hoped this plan would work better than the other one.

"So, who was the cheerleader", he asked attempting for a curious tone and one far from the jealous feeling that cursed through his body.

"Sarah", he muttered dreamily, "she's a peach".

Dean stared off into the distance, replaying the evening over in his head. Obviously from the smirk on his face and the twinkle in his eyes, he was paying extra attention to the more entertaining parts. He continued to go on, telling Sam about how he spent his time, thought not all of it. Apparently leaving some surprised for his little brother when he gets older. After awhile seeing that Sam wasn't paying attention to what he was saying, and didn't look like he would be focusing on his schoolwork, he told him to get some shut eye.

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"**History test next period, we're studying" **Dean supplied, a smile quickly falling into place.** "Come on, baby, she means nothing to me. Don't be mad" **Dean smoothly informed the blonde walking away from him, or at least attempted to**.**

"**I'm not mad, Dean. I thought maybe, underneath your whole I-could-give-a-crap-bad-boy thing that there was something more going on. I mean, like, the way you are with your brother. But I was wrong" **she told Dean disappointment clearly colouring her words, while Dean looked on with a saddened expression.** "You spend so much time trying to convince people that you're cool but it's just an act. We both know that you're just a sad, lonely little kid. And I feel sorry for you, Dean" **she informed him of her view, trying to get through to him that she could see right through him, and his act.

The pained expression on Dean's face slowly melted into a defensive one as his eyes lowered. Thinking of all the situations that he had been through demon hunting, knowing that most people his age wouldn't be able to face what he does and pull through while keeping his family together.

"**You feel sorry for me, huh? Don't feel sorry for me. You don't know anything about me" **he said defences in place, though she just turn and continued to walk off with a roll of her eyes. Dean never gave people the chance to know the real him.** "I save lives. I'm a hero. A hero" **he shouted out at figure walking away and her friends staring disbelievig at him.** "What? What?" **he bellowed at the people in the school's corridor before walking off.

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Three hours late, Sam woke from his dream. A slight sheen of sweat was covering his body from the emotion in his dream. The dream was set at Truman High, a place where he had been just over a year ago. He had a feeling in the pit of his stomach that told him that this dream was not a fictional event, that it had been something that had transpired. And for the first time, he wondered vaguely if Dean ever wanted to be normal.

Turning around from the window, he brought himself to face Dean whom was sleeping soundly a metre away from him. He was thankfully that any sounds he may have made had not woken his brother up. Although waking from an unpleasant dream wasn't something Sam liked, he did find it was the perfect opportunity to view his brother in a rare unguarded moment. Unlike all other times, he didn't have an intense expression marrying his face. He actually looked peacefully.

He didn't know how long he had been gazing at the figure across from him but eventually he was startled out of his stare. He was when he saw Dean open his eyes slowly, staring at him sleepily before closing them and going back to sleep again. Rolling to his back, Sam continued to have his gaze locked on Dean face as he smiled stretching out contentedly on the single bed in the darkened room.

No matter what Dean would always find him.

He may get distracted and sidestepped by girls, but in the end he would always leave them. Their name, faces and quirks mixing in a haze of those that had come before them.

In the end he would always find Sam's gaze.


	2. This Is Right, And This Is Wrong

Disclaimer: Doesn't belong to me, nor will it ever.

A/N- The quotes about Rupunzel (in bold) are from Greylands by Isobelle Carmody.

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Sam was supposed to be the smart one in the family, but it had taken him a while to realise how different he was. He was a funny child that got along with his peers. But one day that had been sitting around and all the children had begun complaining about their parents and their siblings.

He had only been able to talk about his father and brother, to the annoyance of his friends. He had tried to explain that there was no mother for him. He had not yet learned the value of a good lie, and there was no memory of her to come up with.

"But Sam you have to have a Mommy", the little girl in front of him insisted occasionally moving her head from side to side, which caused her piggy-tails to fly around.

"Well, I don't" Sam had sniffed out, fight the urge to either cry or pull at the piggy-tails. "She went away, and she's not coming back".

The children had looked at him oddly. None of them understood the concept of parents leaving them behind, let alone dying. From then on the children had given him had hung around with him less. It would take him years to realise this had been because of the way their own parents had reacted to the news.

Afterwards as he sat crying silently in the toilet, he promised himself he would never let anything like that happen to him again. Be that venerable to people.

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The promise he made held true, he was never in a situation like that again. But just because the people around him didn't know, that didn't mean that he stopped paying attention. He did, almost to the point of obsessive.

When asked to draw his home, he would remember someone's from his previous school. The first time he had drawn the motel his family was staying at, the teacher had shaken his head in sadness.

Later on that night when his father had got home, he had been yelled at. For most part it was just loud noises with nothing making sense except for the end where he was told that people might come to take him away.

He had hoped so clenching his fists together leaving a small pool of blood in a half moon shape. He had watched the door for over an hour, no one had come and then his father had ordered him to bed.

He ran to bed, slamming the door behind him. Flinging himself to the bed, he once again found himself in tears. He wasn't there for long when he heard the door behind him open, and the smell of leather hit his senses. Focusing fiercely he tried to subdue his tears, which only ended up making him cry harder.

Through the shoulder wrenching sobs, he waited for the reprimand and then he felt the bed dip next to him as someone lay down next to him then wrapped their arms around him. Dean.

"Shhh" he heard whispered into his ear, the gentle breeze being out of place in the overheated room.

He wanted to reply. Open his mouth and let all the things he kept locked in his head spill out. But when he tried all that came out was a wounded guttural noise. Behind him, his brother continued to shift around obviously uncomfortable at this comforting task.

"It's okay Sammy, no one's going to take you away" Dean reassured, which only make him want to cry harder.

Unable to speak, he decided to just keep on going. Unlike the other times he had cried, he had felt alone but with Dean here with him, he felt as if he could face this feelings that plagued him. Made him feel as if he stood out from those around him. All the while Dean traced calming patterns on his arm. Eventually they stopped as he was greeted of the sound of Dean snoring.

"Why would they want to take me away?" he whispered to the room.

"Because we live different lives compared to other people" Dean had groggily answered.

"What would happen if they did … take me away" Sam asked, surprise giving him courage he wouldn't normally have.

"Not going to happen" Dean said fiercely, pulling Sam even closer to him. "Dad and I wouldn't be able to see you again."

The answer had surprised him. He had made a guess that he wouldn't be allowed to see his Dad, but Dean. If things weren't good enough for him, why should Dean be forced to stay behind?

"I'm older than you Sammy … I'm able to look after myself if I need to" Dean had supplied as if somehow reading his mind.

That answer had stopped the tear flow completely. He could stand to be parted from his Dad but never Dean. Never. Though from now on his eyes would dart around when no one was watching him, just in case someone had realised how unusually him and his family were. He made a vow that he would strive to be normal.

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He had just learned about the monsters in the night and it was their first night out together. All three of the Winchesters. The werewolf they were hunting, until Dean stepped in, had almost attacked him. All brave, muscular and angular lines and in a blur of movement he had defeated the demon.

He watched on in awe as his brother won, and later walked off to the first aid though not before roughing up his hair and asking if he was okay through a grunt of pain. His father however had scowled him for his carelessness and made sure he would get some more read up on what they had been facing.

That had been last night and this was now, him in school covering the urge to flinch whenever he would of the gash running down his side. They had just had their first sex-ed class, and all the students were still averting their eyes in embarrassment of what they had been told. Now they were in English and everyone was slowly recovering they're footing, and lifting their gazes.

They had been asked to read some fairytale, and the teacher who was a believer in modern interpretation wanted to go through the Rupunzel story, one however with a slight twist.

'**She would. Then when the prince would come to rescue her, he would call to her to throw down her braids and he would convince her to come down from the tower with him. He would tell her he loved her and she would go because she was accustomed to being obedient and because she was dazzled by the prince' **the teacher had read out in a confident voice. "Would anyone care to guess what the princess would be feeling?"

The class had paused in silence, trying to think of an answer. For some, they were trapped in their usually thinking of happiness after all this was their favourite story … and they were children. Looking around, Sam slowly raised his hand.

"Yes Sam, what do you think?" the teacher asked.

'**She would be scared though' **Sam replied, trying to ignore a few of the boys in the class muttering Samantha or Princess at his back.

"Good Sam. **'She would, but she would not want the prince to know. Everything would be strange to her. She would know nothing about how to behave and people would stare at her and whisper about her. She would keep her unhappiness locked up inside her, but slowly she would learn that her life had been wrong in the eyes of the world. **

He had slowly drifted off, ignoring what the teacher said. He could sympathize with the sad Princess in the tale. He knew what it was like to be feel isolated from people and yet somehow have those that were close to him try to protect him.

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It was eight pm and he had finished his homework, and had watched with eagle eyes as his father and Dean had left to hunt something new. His father noticing the gaze had thrust a book about demon he had at his startled youngest soon.

"Read this Sam. We'll be having a test tomorrow evening, you like those don't you?"

The two had then walked off leaving Sam alone only with the company of silence.

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Hours later, he had finished the entire book and had gone to bed. He was startled out of his sleep by the sharp breaking of the car and the rushed footsteps of someone entering the room.

Moving over to the bedroom door, he peeped out and saw his father. Alertness filled his senses when he couldn't see Dean. That though was short lived, as he eventually saw his brother lying lifelessly on the couch. Fear courses through his body, and nausea gripped his stomach until he saw Dean move. He watched in avid attention as his father rushed around in the room, eventually settling near Dean to clean and mend the wounds.

Walking back to his bed he laid down again, staring intently at the bed opposite him. He would wait until his father helped Dean, and then when Dean was in bed, he'd go over and talk to him.

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Opening his eyes, he was startled to find that it was now three am; two hours had passed by since he had lain down waiting for Dean to appear.

Sam closed his eyes and waited for them to adjust to the darkness. Across from him, he found the answer that was on his mind. Dean was lying asleep across from him. Getting up, he walked the short distance that separated them and watched how peaceful he brother looked, an expression that would never be seen when he was awake.

Smiling down at him, he pulled up the covers and hopped in next to him being careful to avoid the wounded areas that were highlighted in the crisp white bandages. Wrapping his arms around the bare torso, he felt happiness creep into his body and an unfamiliar warmth rush him. Smiling he nestled, his head and Dean's chest and went to sleep. The echo of a teacher's voice flooding the back of his mind.

'… **would be ashamed of it and … **the** contentment **found** …'**


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